11/03/2005

Bygones

There seems to be, amongst some of my friends, some animosity between them. For some, it seems to stem from high school, and for others, from more recent transgressions, and, to be honest, I've never really understood any of it. I never had enemies in high school, or rifts in friendships. I pretty much got along with everyone I hung out with, and if I didn't get along with someone, well, I wasn't dumb enough to hang out with them.

Sometimes, though, rifts occur, for whatever reasons, which usually causes what we like to call Drama within the group. Friends are torn between both injured parties, feeling like the wishbone at Thanksgiving, uncertain of what to do or who to comfort, and mainly just wanting everything to go back to the way things used to be. This can happen, of course, depending on the cause of the Drama, but sometimes it's an irreparable schism, forever making future gatherings awkward.

For example, if Person 1 is having a party, and Person 2 and Person 3 hate each other, for the harmony of the party, one or the other simply cannot be invited. Who doesn't get to come? How does one decide? Plus, with a group of friends, it's impossible to keep the party secret from whomever you decide not to invite, so someone's gonna have hurt feelings. It's all just a big mess.

And my thinking has always been, For cryin' out loud, life's too short for some shit that happened however many years ago to continue to be an issue. Can't we all just get along? And then I break into a little song and dance number.

But I digress.

Another example or two: Person 1 (but a different Person 1 than the one mentioned before) practically ostricizes themselves from the group. The reason? People don't call him (or her) to hang out. But, has Person 1 ever called anyone in the group? Has Person 1 made any real effort to stay in contact with the group? No, so Person 1 doesn't really have a reason to bitch, do they?

Or party invites don't always come from the person throwing the party, but sometimes second- or third-hand, which is how it's always been done within the group, because, really, who cares? A party's a party and it's always been known that everyone's invited (except Person 2 or Person 3, because, you know, they don't get along). But without a personal, handwritten, formal invitation, Person 1 feels slighted now.

And to that I say, Whatever. Get over it. These people have been your friends for years and you cut them off, not the other way around.

My reason for bringing all this up is, well...for some reason, lately, I've been thinking about a friend of mine's upcoming wedding. It's next year. The end of May. A full seven months away, and I'm sitting here worrying about it. Why? Because my former roommate will be there.

It has been eight months since I came home from California. In that time, I've realized I have depression, nearly had a nervous breakdown, and returned to school, pretty much in that order.

Oh, and I organized my comic book collection, too.

I have not uttered a single, solitary word to my former roommate since she thanked me for, and I quote, "screwing her over like every other guy in her life." I was surprised by how much that phrase crystalized our relationship for me, in my mind. I was trying to explain how I couldn't live out there anymore, couldn't afford it, physically or financially, that I was, basically, depressed and miserable and without a reason for existing, there or anywhere.

And what do I hear? That I'm "screwing her over." Because, you see, it was all about her. All she heard, all she cared about was how it was going to affect her, which made me feel that I was out there for the sole purpose of paying half the rent. No more, no less. I wasn't going to be missed. Just my money. (Or, to be more accurate, my parents' money, which is an entirely different, guilt-ridden post.)

And that's not reason enough to stay anywhere.

(We'll nevermind the whole being purposefully misled about trying to finally make a relationship work part.)

In essence, I felt used. Played. Conned. Whatever euphamism you wanna use. And I honestly didn't feel that anything more needed to be said. I am at peace with my life for the first time in I don't know how long. Elementary school, maybe?

I have always said that there are (at least) three sides to every story: He Said..., She Said..., and The Truth. I'm certainly not above this, and I fully realize that my former roommate remembers an entirely different version of events, which is no more or less true than my own.

When I returned to Omaha and spoke to my friends (our friends, my former roommate's and mine) of my reasons for leaving California, I like to think I did so in a not-slanderous manner. I didn't stoop to name-calling or anything like that. What I said was absolute truth (from, of course, my point-of-view).

This post has gotten rather long. My point started out being, I think, that I have no idea how I'd react to seeing my former roommate at our friend's wedding next year. Or sometime sooner than that. Like, say, around Thanksgiving.

It's probably safe to say that I'm still slightly pissed about how I feel I was used. Justified or not, who knows? Can't help the way I feel, can I? But, lately, I've been wondering if I at least owe it to her to talk about all this. After all, I can't really preach to my friends that they need to "let bygones be bygones," and, "can't we all just get along?" while I continue to hold a grudge, can I?

Then again, it's not like this is some little, petty high school Drama. I mean, moving across the country under (in my opinion) false pretenses isn't exactly minor, y'know?

Fuck.

I don't know.

I don't know if I want to get over this, to let it go, to have it be that "something we'll look back on and laugh about."

I don't know if I'm ready to get over this, as childish and immature as that may seem.

I don't know if I want to talk to her again.

I don't know if I want to care again.

I don't know if I can...

5 comments:

AliKat said...

I am truly sorry for that comment I made, it was low and I regret it. Remember it was very late at night, and with very little notice on your move I was put in a difficult position with the lease. I am not trying to excuse it, I was totally wrong. As for the relationship try to understand that I was getting clean for the first time in years, I had a lot of feelings that I didn't know what to make of, and I do see how it would seem that I lead you to California on false pretenses. I am sorry, I did not mean it to be like that, it was not premeditated, but I understand your point of view. If you don't want to talk to me I understand, if you delete this I understand. I don't want a rift caused between friends over this. I will quietly leave everyone alone again if that is their wish, everyone just has to say the word and I am gone.

Anonymous said...

Drama is only good for two things: fucking, and getting trashed.

If the drama isn't giving you either of those things, then blow it off. That's teenager stuff-- high school stuff, like you said.

-The God of Hellfire

1031 said...

I hope you don't think you were one of the "Person(s) 1" in my examples, because you weren't.

It takes so much energy to, to do...this, whatever this is, to be angry. It causes stress, and probably ulcers, and many, many sleepless nights. And, ultimately, it's simply not worth it.

I wasn't happy in Omaha, or so I thought, and so I left. I ran away to CA. My choice.

Only problem was, when I got there, I was still myself. Turns out that when you're your own demons, it's not too easy to leave them behind.

I was a mess when I got to CA, and I was a mess when I came back to Omaha, though I like to think I've gotten my act together somewhat in the past few months.

I will never say that my going to CA was a mistake, because it wasn't. I needed that metaphorical slap in the face to wake up and realize I needed to get my shit together, or I wasn't long for this world.

Conversely, leaving CA and returning to Omaha was also not a mistake, although I do regret the way I left.

I realize I didn't handle the situation very well, but I was at the end of my rope and I had to leave. I know it was extremely short notice, but I had only just came to that conclusion, literally, a week earlier.

I never intended for any sort of rift to occur within the group (other than between you and I, of course, which was inevitable given the way I left), and I certainly don't speak for everyone, but I wouldn't ask you to leave everyone, or anyone, alone.

Animosity takes a lot out of a person. It's tiring. It's draining. It's effort.

Caring takes a whole lot of effort, too, though probably not as much...

AliKat said...

I want you to know that I forgave for the way you left a long time ago. All I want is the best for you, and if being in Omaha is making you happy, then I am happy for you. I also want you to know that I was devistated when you left, not just for the position I was in with the lease, but coming home from work and finding my best friend just gone crushed me, again I now understand and have forgiven you long ago. I have simply been giving you the space that you requested, but I hope our friendship is not lost forever. Again, I am truly sorry for any pain that I caused and I have already forgiven you for the pain you caused me.

Boston Jen said...

I feel like I need to add here (for the benefit of caligirl as well as others) that this post may have been prompted by something I said to 1031, but the reason I did so, was because for the first time in a long while I had heard from the both of you that you seemed to both be pondering about the effects of 1031 leaving california, and because I would never choose one over another, since I seem to love you both quite a bit. I felt that although it may not be a time to forgive and forget, it could possibly be a time to try communicating again… which it seems you now may be doing. Much love to you both!